Expanding the Lily Pad

2009-01-19T21:11:00.002-06:00

Well, we're on our next cycle. Second to last. Possible the cycle that comes before our first IUI. Aaaaannnnnnd, we screwed it up.

Maybe.

You see, I'm supposed to do Clomid days 5-9. Saturday was day 5 and we forgot to pick up our prescription until oooohh, say, 9:00 Saturday night. Guess what...pharmacy is closed. So....we didn't pick it up till Sunday.
So we're making up our own rules this cycle and taking the Clomid days 6-10. Who knows....maybe it'll be the trick! Or maybe, it'll be a major bust. Who knows...either way we made the best decision we could for what we had to work with. It was either skip this cycle or take it late.

Our foster classes start next week...guess we're moving forward with that and will continue to until we get that positive test!

2009-01-14T21:57:00.003-06:00

Finally.... after a 39 day cycle it has come to an end. I started my period yesterday and boy is it ever back with avengence. I hate it!

Dr. Mulch said that we'll continue with the 150mg of Clomid on day 5 and then hope for the best. Depending on finances, we'll most likely do the IUI on our last Clomid cycle (the one after this one).

So that's all to report......I asked why I got the + OPK so early and then didn't start until really late and she didn't have an answer. She just said how strange it was (duh!). Hopefully this next cycle doesn't do a repeat. As it is we are prescribed to have sex days 10-20 and because of this cycle we're pushing it from day 10 to day 30. It really sucks to have sex on demand! TMI?

2009-01-10T16:42:00.002-06:00

No big surprise....it was negative.

I'm going out with the girls tonight....at least I can safely have a good time!

2009-01-09T20:58:00.002-06:00

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!!!!!

Here I am on day 36 of my cycle (ignore that little ticker thingy on the right, it's got a mind of it's own, I'm not on day 3) and still no period. No cramps, no signs of a period even close. I got the two positive ovulation tests on days 12 and 14.....how could I have had two false positives. I mean, it wouldn't be out of the ordinary for me to not ovulate, but I got two positives this cycle!? If those tests were accurate, I should have started a period by now. Let's just say that worst case scenario I ovulated by day 13 because "they" say that you'll ovulate within 36 hours (either way) of a positive. So getting a positive on days 12 and 14 leaves only day 13 as a factor. So let's just say I ovulated on day 13. That means that I ovulated 23 days ago. That's just not even logical.

I took a pregnancy test like three times already this cycle and all say negative. I last tested on Wednesday morning.....so that was day 34. We bought more tests at Walgreens after leaving the gym tonight. I'll be testing again in the morning just to check.

After having so many negative tests, it's hard to let myself have hope....but here I go again hanging on to every last chance we have that this is our cycle. I feel every "symptom" and see every sign that I am pregnant....only to have it blown away with that pregnancy test result.

Tonight we'll pray that tomorrow's test will be different. Just maybe, we tested too early. Just maybe, it is our turn. Just maybe....

2009-01-07T21:58:00.001-06:00

Still no news. :( Today is like day 34 of my cycle and I supposedly ovulated over two weeks ago! I just don't understand what's going on. I'm beginning to think that they were false positives on the ovulation tests.

Just have to hurry up and wait, I guess.

In the meantime, find me at my other blog. Link is to the left.

2009-01-04T00:51:00.002-06:00

I guess I'm blogging to tell you that there is no news. I've not tested again because I just know that it's a waste of money and that it's not our month.
I'm still waiting for my period so that we can get on with our next cycle of Clomid. I don't think that we're going to do the IUI this next cycle but possibly the cycle following. We're still working out the financial end of it.

When we got engaged, I became overly focused on planning our wedding. I worked endlessly on every last detail to make sure that it was just as I wanted it. But in the end when the wedding day finally came, it still wasn't exact or perfect. There were things that I couldn't anticipate (we didn't "kiss the bride"!?) and I should have learned then that no matter how much time or energy you put into something, you can't make it perfect.
But then after the wedding was over and real life settled in, my focus moved to baby. I knew that there were issues of infertility on my side but despite that I had hope. That hope turned into a mission. It's been six months into that mission and I'm exhausted. Every month is a new trial where I face that ultimate question of whether we're successful or not. It's time for me to step back and let things run their own course. I know in my heart that we're doing everything possible and the rest is in God's hands. This isn't easy for me to say, by any means. Putting things in God's hands means letting go of them from mine.

I've learned that I'm a bit of a control freak. Okay, so maybe I've known it for some time.... I have learned that I need control or a focus on something all the time. I'm a busy body and hate being idle. Today I multi-tasked having a soup/chili luncheon with friends along with painting the kitchen. I just like keeping myself occupied. I think it's more of a need, actually.

So now that I'm feeling the desire to give up some of this control on our fertility front, my mind is naturally looking for it's new focus.

I've not been happy with myself for quite some time. I've lost a lot of self confidence that I used to take pride in having. My weight has become an issue that I've not dealt with before. If you didn't notice before now, I also have a blog where I have been tracking my journey to lose weight. It's been more of an active blog because it's a daily struggle where as our fertility comes and goes during the cycle.

So if you're a follower, check between the both blogs to stay informed! Cause you know we are just the most exciting to read about! :) There are links on the left to find the other blog.....

Till next time....

2009-01-01T12:02:00.002-06:00

Happy New Year! We rang in the year pretty tamed and low-key while celebrating with Richie's family at the cabin. Lots of food and cards to be played. I indulged in one margarita but didn't over do it due to the impending pregnancy test on new years day.

We got home not long after the stroke of midnight and because I had such a tummy ache, I fell right into bed and was out. Richie was supposed to go hunting at 2am with his friend but when he went to pick him up he found him still extremely intoxicated and unable to go. So when I woke up at 8 and found him laying next to me, it was the most wonderful New Years surprise!

So our 2009 began with cuddling and just loving each other....until we got the invite to go to Cracker Barrell with Paul and Sarah. haha!
I had the peach pancakes and he had french toast. Yummy stuff.

Now we're vegging in the living room....he's watching hunting shows and I'm cuddled on the couch with the laptop. Life is Beautiful!

We did take another test today and got the same result as last time....so this is obviously not a successful cycle. I'm much better with the result today as I think I've already been convinced that this cycle was a bust. I'm just anxious for my period to get here now so that we can try again.

My friend Erin started a weight loss blog and I'm considering joining her.....I've been wanting to lose for so long but am just so lazy. I need to be more self disciplined and get focused. Like she said, when she focuses on something she can get it done but you have to focus. If I put all of my efforts into losing weight and off the stress of getting pregnant, then maybe my success will be twofold. I don't know....we'll see.

I am wanting to go to Paducah today to take my wedding rings in for replating (they're white gold) but laying on this couch is getting all too comfortable. Not sure I'll be getting up any time soon.....and I think Richie is going to try to escape this afternoon for some local hunting.

2008-12-30T17:35:00.002-06:00

Boy, what a day I had. Talk about an emotional basketcase! In the life of the infertile, there is one thing that just shatters your soul: hearing the news of someone else being blessed with the pregnancy that you want more than anything on earth.

Today was one of those days...
A girl at work got pregnant on her first try. Some luck, huh!? Wish I had some.

So I cried much of the day. Not because I'm mad or upset....but more because I'm hurt that we've tried and tried and are no further than we were when we started. I'm hurt that I can't give my husband the baby that he so badly wants. Through the tests that we've had done on him we know that the infertility lies in me, not him. I've been where he's at and I know how bad it sucks.

When I felt all cried out, I called my doctor for advice. She told me that I may have tested too early and not to give up hope yet. I already knew this, but it felt more real to hear it from a doctor. Then she said that since I'm ovulating on 150mg of clomid that she'll extend us two more cycles. But the best thing that she said was that they can do IUI there in the office! That is just so huge! Infertility isn't covered on either of our insurances, so all procedures are out of pocket. Right now we're still at the OBGYN which is fairly cheap (in the grand scheme of things). When they've done all they can for us and we have to be referred to a reproductive specialist, it gets quite pricey.
So doing the IUI with her at her practice is going to run us an additional $600 per cycle vs. 10K+ for IVF with the specialist. Big time smiles on that one.

She said that we can do our 150mg of clomid with the IUI to increase chances. I'm all for it. Coming up with $600 in a few weeks is what's hard. But we'll see what we can do.

Oh, and for those unfamiliar, IUI is intra-uterine insemination. Basically, they use a turkey baster to put his sperm at my egg to eliminate the long journey. Hey, it's worth a try.

And if nothing else, it gave me a reason to push on and keep fighting for team baby!

Richie was so terrific today. He spent a large portion of his day calling and texting me to be sure that I was okay and making it through the whole mess. We discussed the foster program again and he is still on board with that as a back-up. So I guess that I can start getting geared up for those classes here before long.

Please say a prayer for us that Thursday brings us a positive test!

2008-12-29T20:58:00.003-06:00

The message board that I recently joined has been such a blessing for me...the girls there are so supportive and have helped me realize that even though we got a negative today, that maybe we still have hope.
I did test before I was "supposed" to and perhaps it was too early?
Sure it's a long shot but I need to have the hope. And if it doesn't happen this cycle we do have one more cycle with the Clomid.

I just worry about after that cycle. The day that Dr. Mulch tells us that we need to see an RE in St. Louis. Neither of our insurances will cover any infertility. We really don't have 11-12K to put into IVF.

We have the foster program to fall back on but these days it just isn't easing my mind like I had planned. The classes for our license starts mid to late January and goes till March. I think that we're still going to finish the classes but I'm not sure what our future holds where foster care is concerned.

Maybe I just wasn't meant to be a mom.

2008-12-29T15:32:00.003-06:00

I'm just so frustrated. I know that I should just expect this by now, but I went ahead and let myself think that it could possibly be our month.

I took a pregnancy test after having almost convinced myself that it was positive and it wasn't. It was just another freakin' negative in my face. I'm so tired of it. You would think that getting negative results would be easy after getting so many but it never gets better. It sucks every time.

I'm going to go and crawl into a hole now.

2008-12-27T13:36:00.002-06:00

We are about 5 days away from the time to take our pregnancy test. Up until yesterday, I was completely convinced that it would be another negative--I had no symptoms or anything.
Today, I am beginning to let myself think that just maybe we will be successful this time around. I wouldn't call it symptoms but there are definately some things going on with me that are different than the norm for me.

For starters, I just feel off. Not sick like, but just not right. Something feels slightly off. Second, I'm so stinkin' tired. I'm not one to nap. I just have never been one to lay down and nap. Well, since Christmas day I've been so tired. I fell asleep on my sister-in-law's couch right in the middle of our Christmas celebration. I slept in the car to and from the party as well. Then last night I felt so tired that I physically couldn't get up. I felt like I had been drugged or something. Today has proven to be no better. I'm feeling so ditzy and brain-dead. For instance, I was supposed to pick up my mother-in-law's birthday cake for her party this afternoon. It was a really big deal because it's from a bakery that normally isn't open between Christmas and New Years....and this year they are. So as a surprise, I ordered her a cake. But, instead of picking it up like I had planned, I was in bed till almost noon when Richie came home from his side job. I neglected all of my housework, the dog, myself and the cake because I was too tired to get up.

Initially I blamed it on Lucy waking me up too early, but in all honesty she's not getting me up any earlier than normal. I'm such an anal person when it comes to housework and cleaning but today there is just no getting me out of the recliner. Thank goodness for this laptop.....

I don't know. I don't want to get myself all excited and worked up because really I'm tired of being let down. But for some reason, this time seems different.

Cross your fingers for us!